One Too Many Hotcakes
by FearIsButFearItself
Summary: Matthew's pancake addiction has gotten out of control, or so Alfred says, and really Mattie, he's just trying to help, honestly! Or, Alfred is a jerk, and the reason why Matthew can't have nice things. Crackfic, thanks to everyone's friend Jenny Craig.


Summary-  
In which Alfred is a dick, and Matthew is, well, not any less of a dick, but really more tactful with his mean behavior than his brother.  
Otherwise known as Matthew's pancake addiction 'getting out of hand', to quote Alfred, and really Mattie, he's just trying to help, honestly!  
Or, Alfred is a jerk, and the reason why Matthew can't have nice things. Crackfic, thanks to everyone's friend Jenny Craig.

A/N: So I just realized that Jenny Craig still has her weight loss program going, despite the lack of recent commercial advertising, and I got a bit inspired.

 **And here is an important note!** Siblings are awful to each other, and will pull a lot of things as portrayed in this fic to get on each others nerves. So it's important to note that Alfred is not actually a fatphobic jerk, he's just trying to get on Matt's nerves. Everyone with siblings probably didn't need this note but whatevs, it's important.

Jenny Craig is a popular weight loss program with some very good reviews.

Can you tell that I love putting Matthew into horrible situations, because it's getting unhealthy, honestly.

xxxxx

"Mattie," Alfred began gravely, holding something behind his back as he stood looming above his brother, "we need to talk. It's about you."

Matthew was, quite frankly, much too tired to deal with this right now. From his spot on the floor in a burrito of blankets, Matt looked at the clock on his nightstand and sighed as he saw the time; it wasn't even 5am yet.

"I hope you know that I'm just going to ignore whatever you say, and will only pretend to listen so you'll leave," Matthew thoughtfully informed, his voice anything but kind, "because I kind of hate you right now, Alfred, and I am completely unprepared to listen to whatever bullshit you have to tell me."

"Are you done?" Alfred asked, looking unperturbed, and Matt nodded. "Great. Now, I'm here because you need a savior, Mattie, one who knows how to help people in your condition."

Matthew's eye twitched. Violently. "You aren't going to be my hero, savior, messiah, or anything even _close_ to it, Al." he dryly informed his idiotic brother while blinking up at his bedroom ceiling in despair, and wondering what he did to deserve getting thrown into these situations so frequently. Whatever it was, he could honestly say that it was probably Al's fault.

"I know that _I'm_ not going to save you, Mattie, but I know of someone who will." He stated seriously, his lips twitching as he poorly tried to hide a smirk, and Matthew let out a loud sigh, knowing that whatever this was, it was going to be very bad for Matthew's mental health.

With a roll of his eyes and a strong urge to roll away from Alfred and hide under his bed, Matthew scoffed. "Nice way to sound like you care about me, Alfred, wow, thank you so much." he muttered sarcastically.

Alfred ignored him, rocking back on his heels in badly restrained glee. "Your savior's name is Jenny Craig, Matthew."

Matthew looked at him in blank confusion, a deep set horror beginning to dawn behind his eyes. "What."

"I just want you to think about that for a second." Alfred said, and Matthew did, his eyes slowly widening with realization and anger tinting his face pink.

"Wait, Al, are you calling me fat?" he demanded incredulously. He wasn't stick thin, and didn't have washboard abs like jerk Alfred, but he was not fat! And even if he _was_ slightly overweight, that's not any of Alfred's business, and he can go stick his head in a hole. Stupid nosy Alfred.

Alfred nodded sagely, his lips twitching again with poorly restrained humor. "You've had a few hundred too many plates of pancakes, Mattie. It pains me to be the one to have to tell you this."

Matthew stared. "I don't even weigh 180 pounds." he said slowly, "And my weight is not any of your concern, you nosy jackass!"

With a flourish, Alfred presented what he was holding behind his back, which turned out to be a Jenny Craig starter kit.

Alfred gave Matthew a very bright shit eating grin. Matthew, his eye twitching violently again, slowly stared from Alfred's stupid face to the starter kit, and then back up to Alfred's stupid jerk face. His stupid, shit eating grin was _taunting him_. Without removing his eyes from Al's face, Matthew reached behind himself under the bed and wrapped one hand onto his trusty hockey stick, and with his other hand he wiggled out from his blanket burrito, resolutely ignoring Alfred's childish giggling. Yes, Alfred was _giggling_ , high pitched and completely ridiculous to the point that Matthew was hard pressed not to laugh and mock him.

"Matt, I definitely made a good decision coming to help you," Alfred crowed, his giggling increasing, "you can't even get up from the floor!"

As he said that, Matthew got up from the floor, hockey stick in hand.

Alfred froze and promptly lost all color in his face, though his giggling didn't stop, and was just getting more ridiculous by the second. "Woah, Mattie, you keep one of those under your bed? Maybe I'm addressing the wrong problem, that looks pretty serious broseph," he continued, tossing the Jenny Craig starter kit onto the bed as he quickly backed up to the door, his brother matching every step, and Alfred quickly grappled for the doorknob and flung the door open with a dramatic screech, "Mattie please don't kill me I'm too beautiful to die!" and he dove out the door, cackling, with Matthew hot on his heels and yelling wildly, "Alfred you waffle burning dung parasite, _stop running_ and let me kill you!"

xxxxx

Let me know if you liked it!

If you liked this, then check out my WIP multichapter Hetalia and Bioshock Infinite crossover! It's chock full of a distressed Canada and Denmark thrown into Columbia, with a side dish of the other nations trying to get them back, and is very cracky.

Reviews make me write faster, nudge nudge wink wonk


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